Why Do So Many People Brag About Being in Prison? by Howard Duncombe

Posted: March 20, 2009 in Quotes

     Have you ever met someone who acts as if having been in prison gives them status among their peers?  What about the guy who brags about his uncle in California doing time, or the girl who shows off her prison tattoo like its a badge of honor?  What do these people know that the rest of the world does not?  They know that prison life is WONDERFUL.  And here are seven WONDERFUL reasons why:

As a ward of the state you have:

1.  Free room and board – no more worry about landlords, light and water or cable bills.  You don’t even have to choose where you want to live; that’s all been taken care of for you.  Even the furniture, antique iron or steel, has been tried and tested by a least 500 other ex-tenants.  So what if the mattress is lumpy and stained or the pillow is flat?  Those 500 ex-tenants tested them too.

2.  Automatic job placement and Training – No more filling out applications and submitting resumes.  Not only is this a guaranteed job, but its mandatory.  You will work when, where, and do what your are told; be it digging ditches, washing pots and pans, or shoveling manure.  The best part about it is no matter what type of job skills or degrees you have, no one really cares.  You will be assigned a job according to institutional needs.

3.  Free clothing – No more worrying about what to wear.  This might be one of the single largest reasons for the rapid decline of female prisoners and some sharp dressing males.  No more running from store to store trying to find the latest fashions.  No more worrying about a summer or winter wardrobe, except for a very light coat issued after the weather has turned cold and taken back before it warms up.  You’ll be wearing the same thing like everyone else.  You’ll be given three uniforms, underwear, and socks (most of these items will be used) to last as long as humanly possible.  What a fashion statement!

4.  Great Food and no cooking – Now who can pass up a combination like that?  Just stand in line for about an hour to sit down for five minutes of food so tasty you may have a hard time figuring out what it is.  One thing you can be sure of, you will receive a great deal of starch to blow you up.  And if you are late for a meal, don’t worry; just be on time for the next one.  So eat up (if you can) and enjoy.  P.S. Please don’t make the cooks or servers angry cause you may find something extra on your tray.

5.  Private Gym – Now here’s a real plus.  No more searching for a place to workout and no outsiders.  Just you and the other 500 to 1,500 inmates, according to the size of the prison.  You may have to get to the gym early and fight to get what you need.  But what’s a little physical contact between inmates?  Besides, you have to test your strength to know if your workout is working.

6.  Plenty of Peers – Who doesn’t want to be part of the “in” crowd?  Some are “in” for 10 years, 20 years, and some are “in” for life.  But regardless of how much time your are “in” for, you will never be alone.  When you go to the shower, someone will be there.  If you go to the water fountain, someone will be there.  You may be in an open dorm with 100 other guys or girls or you may be in a two-man room.  Regardless of where or when, you will never have to worry about being alone, not even if you go to the bathroom.  Someone will always be around.  Now doesn’t that make you fell special?

7.  Live action and drama –  A new guy walks into the dorm, sits his property on his bunk and goes to the bathroom.  When he returns all his property is gone.  A young girl walks into the shower and begins to wash her face.  She’s suddenly knocked to the floor and held down.  She looks through soap filled eyes to see four girls standing over her.  Fights, rape, homosexual activities, lying, stealing, and an occasional murder or two, all live and in color.  When you put shoplifters, murderers, and everything in between in one place, live action and drama is what you’re going to get.  Who knows what your starring role will be on the inside?

    by Howard Duncombe

  1. Anne says:

    I suggest you read article "Prison Wants Time Well Spent" by Josh Poltilove jpoltilove@tpatribune.com – good re-hab efforts work

  2. LeeAnn says:

    Mr. Howard is a very talented port.

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